Swingsets and Regrets
by HPFC Exchange
Summary: As soon as she was out of sight, I edged a little closer to the remaining girl who had become a small quivering mass on the swing. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a patch of brightly colored flowers, waving jovially in the mild breeze. I slowly tiptoed towards them, not yet willing to let my presence be known to the girl on the swing. As I reached down to pluck the pink and red f


**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of these characters.**

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She was there in her usual spot: on the playground swing set, third swing from the left. Her horrid sister was there, standing in front of her as she gently swung back and forth. They were arguing about something as per usual. I cautiously stepped closer a bit, curious as to what they were quarreling about. Their muffled voices became clearer as I neared the two girls.

"How can you go there? To that… to that school of freaks?" Petunia, the mousy-haired sister with a beaked nose spat, her face overflowing with rage and, strangely enough, sadness.

"No, it's not like that! Why can't you just accept me for who I am? We always played together before, but now you can't even look me in the eye. It's like you're ashamed of me, ashamed of something I can't control." The redheaded girl looked to her big sister, her eyes silently pleading. She was right, I noticed. Petunia's eyes were always averted from her sister's, whether at her shoes or some far-off point in the distance: their eyes never met.

"Well maybe it's because I am ashamed of you, Lily." Petunia's voice came out in a hoarse whisper, so quiet I could barely hear her over the birds chirping, ironically cheerful, in the trees surrounding the park.

"No… You don't mean that, right? You don't mean that, it's not true." Lily's voice started quietly but grew progressively louder as she spoke. "You're lying, right? I never did anything to you, and now you're being so mean to me! Why, Petunia? Just tell me why you despise me so much." Wet teardrops began to form in her emerald green eyes, making them shine even more than they had previously.

"I… I mean… I need to get home. Mum should be waiting." Petunia tripped over her words as she turned to leave, her face muddled with something like regret and her lips pressed into a thin line as if to suppress all signs of emotion that might threaten to show.

The gangly, awkward teen started to walk away in the direction of their home and, with a split-second hesitation, broke into a run, apparently desperate to get as far away from her sister as she could. As soon as she was out of sight, I edged a little closer to the remaining girl who had become a small quivering mass on the swing. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a patch of brightly colored flowers, waving jovially in the mild breeze. I slowly tiptoed towards them, not yet willing to let my presence be known to the girl on the swing. As I reached down to pluck the pink and red flowers from the earth I saw that they were none other than lilies, the delicate flower for which she was named. Wishing I was able to use a slicing spell in the stems, I messily picked them, leaving a few of the dirty roots hanging on to the green stems of the flowers like spiders webbing threads.

When I had finally collected myself, I approached the girl on the swing.

"Um, Lily?" I asked, my voice trembling with anticipation, wondering how she would respond.

"Sev, is that you?" She sat up a little, rubbing her eyes with her fists. "What are you doing here?"

"I, um, well, I mean…" I tripped over my words, immediately transformed into the bumbling, awkward boy I was around her. "Here." I stuck out the hand holding the bouquet of pink and red lilies.

"Oh!" She exclaimed, her eyes widening from surprise. "Th-thank you so much, you're always so kind to me." I gave her a half-smile, still feeling a bit uncomfortable with myself. "So… I'm assuming you heard our conversation?" She took the flowers from my hand with a slight smile and looked up at me through her eyelashes.

"Um, yeah. And I'm sorry, about what she said." And I really was. It wasn't Lily's fault that she was different from the rest of her family. If anything, her unique abilities made her even better than the rest of them.

"It's not your fault, of course. I'm just bloody tired of it. She never gives me a chance to try and rationalize with her; she always just starts yelling at me then walks away in the middle of our conversations." Her eyes were thoughtful, and she was absentmindedly stroking the soft petals of the lilies in her hand.

"Those were horrible things for her to say."

"Yeah."

Deciding to be a bit less reclusive, I took a seat in the swing beside her. We sat there in silence for a while, both of us lost in thought. Then, out of nowhere, she asked, "Why do you even spend time with me? You're a Half-blood wizard from a decent family, and you could really be a great wizard if you wanted to, but you choose to spend time with a Mudblood like me. Why is that?"

"You're not a Mudblood!" I cried, horrified that she would even think of calling herself that filthy word.

"Well, you know what I mean. I'm a Muggle-born, no Wizarding relatives. Why don't you hang out with, I don't know, people like that Lucius Malfoy?" She was referring to a proud, snarky pureblooded Wizard that was two years ahead of us at Hogwarts. "He definitely likes to show off that he's pureblooded. You could spend time with him and become part of a 'higher caliber of wizards', as he likes to say." Her eyes were questioning with hints of laughter dancing in the corners at the utterly ridiculous things our classmate says, but her voice was completely expressionless.

"I, uh, I mean…" There I was again, stumbling and faltering over my own words. I could barely even form a complete thought around her. I was so tongue-tied. "I spend time with you because I like to, so don't call yourself nasty names. You're the best witch in our class and anyone who says otherwise has gone mad. Even Professor Slughorn likes you, and you know that he usually only favors students from prominent Wizarding families. What I mean to say is - oh god I don't even know what's going on in my head right now. I love you, okay? Don't say that you're not good enough, because you're the kindest, smartest, funniest, most beautiful girl I've ever met. So don't be so mean to yourself, it'll only lead to bad things." I took a long breath after I finished my monologue, keeping my eyes strictly averted and studying my shoelaces and the black mulch underneath my feet.

"Sev, I-I mean, uh, I'm speechless. Really. I really like you too, okay? I just don't think that I deserve someone as compassionate and loyal as you."

She said that she really likes me. Not love; that would have been too much to hope for. But she really likes me! Elation swelled up inside me like a balloon threatening to pop. Slowly, cautiously, I glanced up at her sitting on the blue swing next to my red one. She was grinning at me, the corners of her eyes crinkling where they lifted up and the laugh lines in her face more prominent than ever.

Then, an uncontrollable urge welled up inside of me. Carefully, I reached up one hand to the side of her head and gently pushed her face nearer to mine so our noses and foreheads were lightly touching. I could hear her quiet breaths coming out slowly, calmly. After a few moments I couldn't stand it any more. In one smooth motion I closed the gap between our lips. I could feel her falter a bit, surprised by my action, but she soon regained her composure and returned the kiss with surprising enthusiasm and we melted into one another. I loved it, I loved her, and I loved the old swing set that creaked under every shift of movement we made.

After a few more minutes of kissing, she broke away, inhaling deeply as if she had lost her breath. She grinned up at me and I returned it with a small half-smile. A lock of her long red hair had fallen out of place so I gently pushed it behind her ear. Still, the shock of her delicate, smooth skin in comparison to mine, chalky and rough, shocked me.

We spent the next few hours in that large green park, lying under the white rolling clouds, and talking about nothing in particular. She was on her back, one hand behind her head and the other holding the bouquet of flowers I had picked for her, trying to find as many shapes as she could.

"Look, that one is like a chameleon!" she said, pointing up at one cloud.

I was on my side, head propped up by one hand, facing her and just marveling at how she could be so… I don't know, happy? Appreciative of life? Whatever it was, I envied it. I glanced up at the brilliant blue sky to where she was pointing. "I'd say it looks more like a newt, it doesn't have the ridge on the top of its head like chameleons do." I replied, and she giggled. I know it was a bit immature for fourteen-year-olds to be gazing at clouds, but it made Lily happy so I went along with it. I was actually beginning to enjoy myself as well.

As she let her hand fall back down to the earth, I caught it before it touched the ground. I opened up her fist and traced patterns in her palm: dizzying circles, endless squares and triangles, the words 'I love you' over and over again. I so badly wanted to freeze that moment, like a photograph, and live in it forever. When I voiced this to Lily, she smiled and said, "I think I'll allow you to do that."

_The memory slowly fizzled away and Severus Snape lifted his head out of the Pensive. There were warm tracks of teardrops running down his face, prompted by the memory he had just relived. The last time Severus had cried was years ago, but that too had been because of the girl he missed so dearly, the one girl he had ever loved._

_With one rough hand he wiped away the tears from his face and took a deep breath, attempting to control his emotions. If anyone were to see him like this it wouldn't be forgotten, and he'd be forced to hand out detentions. Not that he minded; just he hated showing any sign of emotion. Emotion was a form of weakness and he wouldn't let anyone see him in a state of weakness. Well, anyone but Lily. And she was gone, like the last traces of snow finally melting into the ground after winter._

_These few minutes a week were the only time he got to relive his past and remember what he once had. Those moments were his chance to live and love and feel human once again, and feel connected to the girl that changed his life completely. He loved her then and he loved her now and he'd love her forever. For his entire existence and with every fiber of his being, he would regret not being able to save her from her horrible fate._

_With a final deep and shuddering breath, he collected himself and rushed out of Dumbledore's office to his own classroom in the dungeons, mentally preparing the next class's lesson plan. While it was a tedious and sullen existence, it was a repetitive one. Repetition let him take his mind off everything, let him forget about his pain for the time being and just live without any regrets about the past or what might've been. He remained in the solitude he had grown accustomed to: just a dark, nameless face among hundreds and a tragic past among thousands._

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**A/N: This was written for the HPFC Fic Exchange. The prompts that I needed to incorporate into this one-shot were:**

**Pairing: Lily Evans/ Severus Snape  
Rating: T or M  
Must Haves: Newts, flowers, swing set, a tender kiss  
No-No's: mention of Potions specifically (I.E.- 'I need those for Potions' or 'Potions class makes me wanna hurl'), Snape bashing  
Bonus Points: James being nice to Snape**


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